I'm gonna reel you in.

There is this Nancy Hanson song that goes a lil somethin like this.. And I'm gonna reel you in... reel you in, although you're puttin up a fight baby, in the end I'm gonna win, cause I'm gonna reel you in... reel you in, and with a heart that's strong and steady I won't be givin in, I'm gonna reel you in.

So whats the point of me telling you that?

OK! I'll tell you!

While ice fishing a few days ago I didn't catch a DARN thing. And honestly fishing is a patience building hobby. And Ice fishing is even worse. I found myself drifting in thought about hos ice fishing could be compared to life.

We're not going to always catch the biggest prize winning fish right away. And every ones fish represents something different... A career, love, school, an answered prayer..... on and on....

There are many who will give up on their big catch. Many will take what they get on the first bite. Fishing and life takes patience.

Am I rambling?

As I was having this slice of genius thought, I began thinking about my big fish! My catch is many things! And I have a very VERY hard time with being patient. I want SO badly to have the life I know is waiting for Coop and I. It's out there waiting for me to come find it!

I was told a couple days ago by a good friend that in order to have that life I dream of I need to live the life I currently have. Make sense??? OK!

I realize and know I have to work for that life. Keep moving on! Keep working and striving for what is out there for us. And day by day I will get closer to who I am supposed to be. God knows who I am capable of being. He knows what I need.

And with a heart that's strong and steady, I'm gonna reel it in.

Emotional workout

WOW!!!
All I can say that explains the emotional week I am having.
WOW!!!

Just between us... I've cried EVERYDAY this past week. My heart has been filled with every emotion!

EMOTIONAL CHECK LIST
sadness - CHECK
happiness - CHECK
Loneliness - CHECK CHECK
love - CHECK x infinity
anger - CHECK
hope - CHECK
discouragement - CHECK
joy - CHECK
fear - CHECK
trust - CHECK


I'm sure there are a few more that I have missed but you get the picture right? OK!!!

Christmas time is such a beautiful time of year. I love everything about what it should be. And to be honest I am starting to realize that what I think and hoped it would be was not this year. I was without my child. No one to love and kiss under the mistletoe. I had no one special to give my gift of love to. It was in a way a lonely Christmas. But I still had my family. And most of all I had the love of my Savior.

It was so hard to be strong for everyone around me. I prayed so hard that I could be strong and not let my heart break show. I didn't want to be the fragile thing everyone had to be careful with and worry about. I prayed for strength to keep my tears hidden. It was weird to feel it for the first time the calm that came over me when I would start to get upset. It was like my heart would start to break and just when I thought it would, I would be covered with such a calming peace. I knew that I would be OK. I heard a still small voice tell me as my heart broke that I was going through these emotions for a reason. I know that I am loved. My Father in heaven loves me. He gives me what I need to get through the trials I am and will face in the future.

When you hit the bottom and feel such sorrow it makes you understand. Understand what life is about.

I long to feel loved again. I ache for my sons arms to be around my neck. I pray that I can be the woman God knows I can be. I know what I am supposed to do in this life.

LIVE ~ LAUGH ~ LOVE
And I know I can't do it alone. But I'm OK with that.

365 days

I have been sitting here for the past hour trying to make sense of what I am feeling.

I can't.

When the clock struck mid-night and December 17th rolled back around I felt a deep sadness. But that really didn't last too long. I cried for a couple minutes for what has been lost.

I cried for my Cooper.
For his loss. For his innocence.
He has been a victim in all of this.
I cried for my past.
I cried for my future that will not be.

Then...

I wiped those tears and found myself looking to the future.

I have survived this first year. It wasn't easy! But I was so worth it. My life is so blessed. I know in my soul that I have a purpose in this world and that the things I have gone through have made me a better daughter of God. I also know that the things I have felt and learned need to be shared. I have so much to look forward to.

Love
Life
Success
Family
Fun

One day I will be blessed with an eternal partner to love and be loved by. Someone to grow with, have fun with, cuddle with, talk to and be with for eternity.

I have hope.
I have a beautiful future ahead of me.
I have a son who loves me.
I have my Savior and He has saved me so many time. Lifted me up when I was down. And carried me when I had no more strength to go on.

And I need to thank SO many for all they have done and given to me this past year.


Mom,

Thank you for your love.

I remember the feeling I had when I first saw you after it all and I knew I would be OK as soon as I was in your arms. I wasn't home until I was in them.

So many times you have done all you can to keep me going this past year. Everything from movie nights to building a camp fire in the driveway and helping me laugh and smile when I needed to.
I pray I will be able to be as wonderful a mom to Coop as you have are to me.

Thank you mom

I love you
Katie


Dad,

Thank you for always being there for me.

And thanks for being the man Coop has needed in his life. Cooper loves you.

I love you so much
Katie


Sal, Jeff, Mandy, Ronnie and Jamie, (and company)

How could I not have made it through this past year when I have you all? You have all been there for me and done so much for me and Cooper.

I remember when Jamie and Jennie came in the front room and we danced to that song :-)
I knew I would be OK. And the days I started to forget that one of you was always there to remind me that I was loved and someone believed in me.

I am so blessed to have such loving, fun, amazing brothers ans sister.

I love you
Katie


Family and friends,

I have had SO much love and support beyond my immediate family. Thank you for your prayers, thoughts, kind words, hugs, nights of laughter and support.

I have come to find out who was true and who was not.

Thanks

I love you
Katie




Cooper,

Where do I start? How do I express how I feel about you?

I love you more then words came express. You have blessed me with so much love and happiness.

I love you!

There were time when things were so tough that I wouldn't have been able to make it through the day had it not been for you. You keep me going.

I love your funny sense of humor, you silly dancing, how you get so excited about the little things. I love when you wake up and run and jump on my lap. I love everything about you.

I promise you I will do all I can to give you the life you deserve. I will be there for you. I will always love you. I want you to be SO happy.

Thank you so letting me be your momma.

I love you more then words can say.

Love,
Momma



I am so blessed.

And I know I have been a second chance at the life I am supposed to live.

I will not take that for granted.

I'm ready for the next 365 days.

motivate me.

I'm so tired of being tired! I want and need to get into shape. I think most women get so worn out by their day to day lives that we forget to take care of ourselves. I know I have.

To be honest I am OK with the way I look. I'm curvy! (nice way to say chubby) LOL I wouldn't be upset about losing some weight though. I know I have to lose weight to have more energy and be healthier. I need to be healthier. Physically, mentally, emotionally! I have gone through SO much this last year and I feel like I have been beat up in every way.

I know I would be happier if I took the time to focus on my health and work out each morning. But why can't I get my "curvy" butt out of bed???

I'm tired. It's cold. And I am simply LAZY!

I need motivation! I need a kick in the "curvy" butt!

allowing laughter

I'm sitting here listening to Coop giggle and laugh.
Amazed at how easy it is for him to find joy in something.
I think about how I love to laugh.
I don't laugh as much as I used to.
I want to be happy enough to laugh when I want to. I feel like I don't let myself laugh and giggle when my heart tells me too. It's like I am telling myself... STOP! Don't be happy! DANGER!

If I'm not happy then I can't get hurt. I won't be disappointed.

I hate this about me. It's not the real Katie. Katie is loving and fun and a big ole GOOF! Just ask my family. I think they miss Katie. The person I am is not me.

You know those dumb scifi movies were aliens take over bodies and take over the world???

I feel like that sometimes. Like my body is being inhabited by some cranky, sad, downer alien.

Satan got to my ex and broke up an eternal family. And now he is trying to break me. He uses my heart break and trials to bring me down.

NO WAY!!! Not happening MR!!!

I'm done feeling like this!
I'm going to laugh!
Right now!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! (Im really laughing)

And one day my fake laughter will be genuine and I will be able to smile when my heart tells me to.

Life is so fragile.
Short.
IMPORTANT!!!!

Someday.

Each day is different.

Some days it grows higher.

Others... it's broken down a little.

It's there...

Gaurding. Hiding. Growing.

I don't want to be hurt again.

I want to be loved.

I want to love.

Our family isn't complete.

I tell myself it is.

The only thing to make it better....

Someone to love us.

An eternal bond of love.

Trust. selflessness.

The priesthood to be present.

Some days I want to find him.

Maybe he'll find me.
But I worry.
Can he climb my wall?
Can I climb my own wall?
Someday.....

In my heart....

there is hope, love and a longing I have felt for SO long. It's like I am a new person these last few days.

Cooper spent the weekend with his dad this weekend so I finally went to have some weekend fun. I really didn't think I would be able to have fun when my baby was away from me. I still have such a hard time being away from him. I know I always will. But this weekend was better. I still missed him like mad, but I also had fun. It has been a very very long time since I have had this much fun. And while I was hanging out with and meeting other fellow single folks and other members of the divorce club (there are way too many divorced people) I realized that I love my life with Coop. I wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING!!!! But at the same time I know that I need to spend some time for me. And not just a nap here or there... real time. Staying at home while Coop is away is TOO miserable. I can't do it. From now on I need to go some where for those weekends and have some fun.

This weekend I met new people, laughed, went to a birthday party, laughed, survived a singles dance, danced and laughed at the same time, turned a guy down... it's OK... he was too old to be asking me to dance, saw a dear friend, laughed and was happy... the happiest I have been in a while. The only thing that could have made me happier would have been to have my baby with me. But I know... I know... I have to face reality! Every third weekend I have to turn my angel over to his dad, they need time together.

After all the fun and happiness I have had this weekend I want to make sure I do more fun things in life. No more one days and maybes.... No tomorrows... Only today's!

My heart is full... My life is blessed.