Emotional workout

WOW!!!
All I can say that explains the emotional week I am having.
WOW!!!

Just between us... I've cried EVERYDAY this past week. My heart has been filled with every emotion!

EMOTIONAL CHECK LIST
sadness - CHECK
happiness - CHECK
Loneliness - CHECK CHECK
love - CHECK x infinity
anger - CHECK
hope - CHECK
discouragement - CHECK
joy - CHECK
fear - CHECK
trust - CHECK


I'm sure there are a few more that I have missed but you get the picture right? OK!!!

Christmas time is such a beautiful time of year. I love everything about what it should be. And to be honest I am starting to realize that what I think and hoped it would be was not this year. I was without my child. No one to love and kiss under the mistletoe. I had no one special to give my gift of love to. It was in a way a lonely Christmas. But I still had my family. And most of all I had the love of my Savior.

It was so hard to be strong for everyone around me. I prayed so hard that I could be strong and not let my heart break show. I didn't want to be the fragile thing everyone had to be careful with and worry about. I prayed for strength to keep my tears hidden. It was weird to feel it for the first time the calm that came over me when I would start to get upset. It was like my heart would start to break and just when I thought it would, I would be covered with such a calming peace. I knew that I would be OK. I heard a still small voice tell me as my heart broke that I was going through these emotions for a reason. I know that I am loved. My Father in heaven loves me. He gives me what I need to get through the trials I am and will face in the future.

When you hit the bottom and feel such sorrow it makes you understand. Understand what life is about.

I long to feel loved again. I ache for my sons arms to be around my neck. I pray that I can be the woman God knows I can be. I know what I am supposed to do in this life.

LIVE ~ LAUGH ~ LOVE
And I know I can't do it alone. But I'm OK with that.

365 days

I have been sitting here for the past hour trying to make sense of what I am feeling.

I can't.

When the clock struck mid-night and December 17th rolled back around I felt a deep sadness. But that really didn't last too long. I cried for a couple minutes for what has been lost.

I cried for my Cooper.
For his loss. For his innocence.
He has been a victim in all of this.
I cried for my past.
I cried for my future that will not be.

Then...

I wiped those tears and found myself looking to the future.

I have survived this first year. It wasn't easy! But I was so worth it. My life is so blessed. I know in my soul that I have a purpose in this world and that the things I have gone through have made me a better daughter of God. I also know that the things I have felt and learned need to be shared. I have so much to look forward to.

Love
Life
Success
Family
Fun

One day I will be blessed with an eternal partner to love and be loved by. Someone to grow with, have fun with, cuddle with, talk to and be with for eternity.

I have hope.
I have a beautiful future ahead of me.
I have a son who loves me.
I have my Savior and He has saved me so many time. Lifted me up when I was down. And carried me when I had no more strength to go on.

And I need to thank SO many for all they have done and given to me this past year.


Mom,

Thank you for your love.

I remember the feeling I had when I first saw you after it all and I knew I would be OK as soon as I was in your arms. I wasn't home until I was in them.

So many times you have done all you can to keep me going this past year. Everything from movie nights to building a camp fire in the driveway and helping me laugh and smile when I needed to.
I pray I will be able to be as wonderful a mom to Coop as you have are to me.

Thank you mom

I love you
Katie


Dad,

Thank you for always being there for me.

And thanks for being the man Coop has needed in his life. Cooper loves you.

I love you so much
Katie


Sal, Jeff, Mandy, Ronnie and Jamie, (and company)

How could I not have made it through this past year when I have you all? You have all been there for me and done so much for me and Cooper.

I remember when Jamie and Jennie came in the front room and we danced to that song :-)
I knew I would be OK. And the days I started to forget that one of you was always there to remind me that I was loved and someone believed in me.

I am so blessed to have such loving, fun, amazing brothers ans sister.

I love you
Katie


Family and friends,

I have had SO much love and support beyond my immediate family. Thank you for your prayers, thoughts, kind words, hugs, nights of laughter and support.

I have come to find out who was true and who was not.

Thanks

I love you
Katie




Cooper,

Where do I start? How do I express how I feel about you?

I love you more then words came express. You have blessed me with so much love and happiness.

I love you!

There were time when things were so tough that I wouldn't have been able to make it through the day had it not been for you. You keep me going.

I love your funny sense of humor, you silly dancing, how you get so excited about the little things. I love when you wake up and run and jump on my lap. I love everything about you.

I promise you I will do all I can to give you the life you deserve. I will be there for you. I will always love you. I want you to be SO happy.

Thank you so letting me be your momma.

I love you more then words can say.

Love,
Momma



I am so blessed.

And I know I have been a second chance at the life I am supposed to live.

I will not take that for granted.

I'm ready for the next 365 days.

motivate me.

I'm so tired of being tired! I want and need to get into shape. I think most women get so worn out by their day to day lives that we forget to take care of ourselves. I know I have.

To be honest I am OK with the way I look. I'm curvy! (nice way to say chubby) LOL I wouldn't be upset about losing some weight though. I know I have to lose weight to have more energy and be healthier. I need to be healthier. Physically, mentally, emotionally! I have gone through SO much this last year and I feel like I have been beat up in every way.

I know I would be happier if I took the time to focus on my health and work out each morning. But why can't I get my "curvy" butt out of bed???

I'm tired. It's cold. And I am simply LAZY!

I need motivation! I need a kick in the "curvy" butt!

allowing laughter

I'm sitting here listening to Coop giggle and laugh.
Amazed at how easy it is for him to find joy in something.
I think about how I love to laugh.
I don't laugh as much as I used to.
I want to be happy enough to laugh when I want to. I feel like I don't let myself laugh and giggle when my heart tells me too. It's like I am telling myself... STOP! Don't be happy! DANGER!

If I'm not happy then I can't get hurt. I won't be disappointed.

I hate this about me. It's not the real Katie. Katie is loving and fun and a big ole GOOF! Just ask my family. I think they miss Katie. The person I am is not me.

You know those dumb scifi movies were aliens take over bodies and take over the world???

I feel like that sometimes. Like my body is being inhabited by some cranky, sad, downer alien.

Satan got to my ex and broke up an eternal family. And now he is trying to break me. He uses my heart break and trials to bring me down.

NO WAY!!! Not happening MR!!!

I'm done feeling like this!
I'm going to laugh!
Right now!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! (Im really laughing)

And one day my fake laughter will be genuine and I will be able to smile when my heart tells me to.

Life is so fragile.
Short.
IMPORTANT!!!!

Someday.

Each day is different.

Some days it grows higher.

Others... it's broken down a little.

It's there...

Gaurding. Hiding. Growing.

I don't want to be hurt again.

I want to be loved.

I want to love.

Our family isn't complete.

I tell myself it is.

The only thing to make it better....

Someone to love us.

An eternal bond of love.

Trust. selflessness.

The priesthood to be present.

Some days I want to find him.

Maybe he'll find me.
But I worry.
Can he climb my wall?
Can I climb my own wall?
Someday.....

In my heart....

there is hope, love and a longing I have felt for SO long. It's like I am a new person these last few days.

Cooper spent the weekend with his dad this weekend so I finally went to have some weekend fun. I really didn't think I would be able to have fun when my baby was away from me. I still have such a hard time being away from him. I know I always will. But this weekend was better. I still missed him like mad, but I also had fun. It has been a very very long time since I have had this much fun. And while I was hanging out with and meeting other fellow single folks and other members of the divorce club (there are way too many divorced people) I realized that I love my life with Coop. I wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING!!!! But at the same time I know that I need to spend some time for me. And not just a nap here or there... real time. Staying at home while Coop is away is TOO miserable. I can't do it. From now on I need to go some where for those weekends and have some fun.

This weekend I met new people, laughed, went to a birthday party, laughed, survived a singles dance, danced and laughed at the same time, turned a guy down... it's OK... he was too old to be asking me to dance, saw a dear friend, laughed and was happy... the happiest I have been in a while. The only thing that could have made me happier would have been to have my baby with me. But I know... I know... I have to face reality! Every third weekend I have to turn my angel over to his dad, they need time together.

After all the fun and happiness I have had this weekend I want to make sure I do more fun things in life. No more one days and maybes.... No tomorrows... Only today's!

My heart is full... My life is blessed.

A tool in his hands.....

Church was so amazing today. I felt the spirit so strong during sacrament meeting and it has stayed with me through out the day. My darling friend Becky and her husband Gaylen and her new RM sister Sarah spoke and they did so great. Just about every fast Sunday Becky shares her testimony and she is touches my spirit every time. Well this talk was so full love the spirit. she spoke about the pioneers and then about how we can be pioneers in our time. She talked about how we all have the responsibility and chance to be a tool in our Father in heavens hands. I want to be a tool in His hands. I want to be a pioneer in my time. I want my life to mean something. I want my trials and hardships to shape me into the woman my Father knows I can be.

Some days I feel like I have so many emotions racing through me. I am so thankful but also hurt, happy to have my Coop but sad to have him gone, I'm SO very lonely but don't want to be around people and I am upset that my life has gone in the direction it did because of someone else's decisions but I know that this trial will mold me into the woman I want to be. And I know that this can be a negative or a positive effect on my Coop. I can't control what my ex does in this life. I have a very hard time knowing that he is not being the dad Coop deserves and needs. I get SO angry and upset that Coop has to be around things I don't agree with. I pray constantly that I will be able to be a good enough mother to me baby so that he will know right from wrong. Because being a mom is the most important roll I have.

I am SO thankful to be a mother in Zion, to have the things I do to raise my son with the love of Christ in our home. when I had Cooper I found a whole new meaning in the primary song, I am a Child of God. Before I sang it from a child's perspective, but now I understand it as a parent. I must lead, guide and walk beside my Coop through his life as his mommy, just like my mom did for me and my grandma for her and so on and so on........ And I know that the only way to be able to do that is to remember my Father in heaven and Savior. If I obey the commandments they will aways be there to lead me, guide me, walk beside me.

Katie

I don't get it.....

The last few days have been SO hard for me. Cooper has been with his dad since Friday and my heart has been breaking since he left. It's hard to have my baby away from me. I try to relax and have fun but it's not that easy. When you are a single mom and the only love you feel is the love you get each morning when your child comes shuffling down the hall and that smile stretches across that sweet face because he sees his momma. Or when I get a simple sweet Hi momma or a hug, I melt. That is the deepest love any woman can feel. The love between a man and a woman is so different then the love between parent and child. and since I don't have the love of a man the love from my Coop keeps me going. So honestly when he has to be away from me I feel terrible.

I have been told by others who have gone through divorce and are surviving the wonderful world of visitation that it will get easier to have to be away from my baby. But I just can't understand how. I almost feel guilty that I could enjoy my time while he is away. And I really can't imagine my heart not breaking each time he drives down the road with the man who broke up the family I thought would be together forever. It's just SO messed up.

I know I have a lot to get through in this life. And I need to remember all of my many many blessing, but right now I am feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of hurting. I just want to forget about that man sometimes.

But my dedication to prayer and communication with my heavenly Father has got me from Friday to today. I am loved and that love has gotten my through so much.

Katie

Dear Father......

I teach the valiant 12 class in my ward and I have learned SO much since I started teaching. I feel like I have been the student and the spirit my teacher. I will admit that I have not been the teacher I could and should be. I wait till the last minute sometimes to get my lesson ready. And today I studied the wrong lesson. I really must try to do better. I am a instrument for the lord to teach these kids the things they will need to make it back to our Father. Maybe that sounds a bit dramatic but primary teachers are more then just babysitters.

Today the lesson was on the dedication of the Kirtland temple. What a great lesson! At one point I asked the kids what they thought it meant that the temple was dedicated. One boy raised his hand and his response was, “to be dedicated means to care enough about something that you don’t give up, you keep going.” It wasn’t the answer I was looking for but it was the answer I needed.

Am I dedicated to the thing the thing that are important to me? Do I give up? At times… Yes. What I mean is that I, just like the majority of the world go through my own ups and downs. But I feel like I have more downs then ups when it comes to my dedication to things.

No more! I’m going to be dedicated in the things that are important to me, first and fore most in my religion and beliefs. I am a daughter of a divine God. My Father in heaven has blessed me dearly to be born into the one and only true church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have been given gifts to help me through this time on earth and I don’t feel like I have used them as much as I need and should. I am going to communicate with my Heavenly Father more. I always have a prayer in my heart, especially since Cooper’s dad left. Prayer is the main thing that has gotten me through these last few months and it will be what keeps me going. And while I have little prayers always in my heart I don’t always take the time to kneel in prayer and communicate with god. I would be heart broken if I knew cooper was having a hard time or needed someone to talk to and he didn’t come to me. I think that’s the way God must feel when he sees me going through so much and I don’t talk with him. There have also been times when I have hurt so badly and the tears would not stop and all I wanted was to talk with someone who could truly understand my pain and let me know that they were OK. I would think that even though others have had their spouse leave them and then have to go through such a terrible thing as divorce, but they still couldn’t feel exactly how I feel. Oh how I was wrong. There is someone who felt every little pain and disappointment I feel. My Savior went through all that pain and MORE for me… for you. I feel like a baby sometimes when I realize I have gone through So many nights with my tears and loneliness. I didn’t have to feel so alone. If I would have just picked myself out of my self pitty party and knelt in prayer my tears would still be there but the loneliness would have been long gone.

I know also that through prayer and communication with god I will recieve help int he other areas I am weak in. I will kneel in prayer each morning, night and any other time I feel the need to communicate with my loving Father in heaven.

Katie

who's that girl?

I started this blog to help me get to know myself again. After going through my divorce I have come to realize that I have push myself out of my own life. I don't even know myself that well. Who am I? What do I like? What is my fashion? What is important to me? What do I want to do? What don't I like? Well... I am going to find out.

I love my life, don't get me wrong but I haven't really been living. I want Cooper to be proud of who his momma is. And I want to be the best momma for him. And I can't do that by just making it through day after day, I need to enjoy and live each and every day. Make the most of each day! Rain or shine!

I am going to start doing things differently.

First- I am going to love myself more. How can I expect anyone else to love me if I don't love me?

Second- I am going to take better care of myself, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

Third- I want and need to discover my personal fashion. I have been just covering this body of mine and not dressing it. I want to look good and be happy with my look.

Fourth- This is probably the most important of anything. I want to be a better daughter of God. Serve others, be an example to those I love and live the life my Father in heaven would want me to live.

This blog will be a way for me to get to know myself. I am going to blog about new experiences, dating (YIKES), exercise, adventures, learning how to sew, craft, quilt, and just have fun. If you have any suggestions for me then let me know. I'm going to be open to most suggestion. :-D

I am writing my life as I live is.

Wish me luck!

~Katie